The Pinrail (Handicap) Chase

As runners and riders gather in the paddock ahead of this prestigious race, meeting expectations are high and the atmosphere is charged with eager anticipation. Trainers pace nervously as their charges glisten gently in the tropical heat, warm-ups completed, muscles and minds honed to perfection, ready for the contest ahead. Of the four runners, three are well known, representing the familiar red, white and blue stables, but the bookies’ favourites, attracting odds of 2-1, are the dark horses from the Permanent Crew. Race officials, masquerading as Caped Crusaders, explain the (lack of) rules.

Tensions are high, the flag is up….. and they’re off!

Oh, calamity! The starter has called a false start! It’s a whip round for the whole field, not waiting for the starting gun, runners and riders too eager for the chase. A Stewards Enquiry awards penalty points to all.

They’re off again. This time it’s a clean start. The favourites make the early pace and by the finish it is Permanent Crew by a length with Red in second, just ahead of a fast finishing Blue. A fatigued White limp home a clear furlong behind.

Early races at the meeting test knowledge of pinrail and line positions on-board. Some resemble flat races, others are over the fences, whilst the most committed are old school steeplechases with obstacles and hazards of all kinds. Sometimes the way is unexpectedly blocked and the chase must find alternative route across all three decks. Happily no fallers are recorded and all return to the stables in fine fettle. 

The races inspire feats of athletic prowess, White even win a race by accidentally grasping the correct pin whilst taking a rest. Enjoyment and hilarity abound. Points are awarded according to what appears to be an almost entirely random formula. The Blue stable are strong, but the favourites still lead the field. Time for the Stewards to intervene and adjust the handicaps by insisting the Permanent Crew are blindfolded and required to hold a pin between their knees. Still the competition, including a tug-of-war, is fierce.

In the last race of the day, the going gets heavy. An intense artificial rainstorm engulfs the deck and competitors, reducing visibility and hindering the smooth operation of setting and striking the inner jib. An excellent showing by all three regular stable entries means that the verdict is too close to call. Sadly, the favourites fall at the last hurdle, overcome by the conditions. Their bid for the trophy falls away. It is a photo finish, but the Stewards declare ‘The Gringos’ as victors, using an algorithm understood only by the Dynamic Duo.